What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
