It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
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the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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