You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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