What a fucking waste of an outfit
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
