he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
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