Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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