Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
