Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
you have to choose: penises or morals?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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