btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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