I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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