Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
