just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
