the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
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