Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
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