My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
