FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
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I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
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And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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