Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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