is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
