Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
