for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
