So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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