i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
