In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
