I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
