They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
