I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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