Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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