Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
