a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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