Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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