I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
