it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
