oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
He kissed a someone with a penis
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
