i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Randomize
