I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
