im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
