she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
