just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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