i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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