The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
