i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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