your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
