I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
