I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
