I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
