This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
