Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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