when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
