hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
