youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
