I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
