I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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