he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
