Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
