She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Randomize
