I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
