what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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