If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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